Category: Movies → Lesbian Vampire Killers [DVDRip]

Lesbian Vampire Killers, the multiplex adventure of Gavin & Stacey stars James Corden and Matthew Horne, wants to be one of those does-what-it-says-on-the-tin sort of flicks. As in: there are lesbian vampires. They are killed. What’s not to like, right? Well, you couldn’t sue under the trade descriptions act, but there’s as much not to like as you might find in a 20-year-old can of rancid minestrone at the back of your mum’s larder.
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Things get off to an instantly bad s with a cruddy Bram Stoker’s Dracula-style prologue — that’s Horne as the 17th century’s most gormless vampire hunter, beheading the film’s first bit of lascivious totty after she’s invoked a curse on his village. Cut to the present day and his great, great grandson is a spineless bloke being dumped by his girlfriend (Lucy Gaskell), a two-timing megabitch who “needs space” after screwing him over seven times before.
Ah, what choice roles for pretty young actresses the British film industry doth bestow. Soon we’re hiking in Norfolk with Horne’s lairy best mate (Corden). The pair stumble across a vanload of up-for-it Swedish hotties – “students of folklore and ancient superstition” – whose main concession to being Swedish is remembering to say “Ja” every third word while pointing their breasts at each other. Wit, we begin to surmise, isn’t really the point of this carry-on-with-a-crucifix romp. The point is providing Nuts and Zoo magazines with cover models for about the next eight issues.

Embracing the film’s retro-sleaze quotient wholeheartedly, Corden has his beer-swilling moments in the first half, before he’s consigned to a fate worse than death – digging around endlessly in badly-lit graves with Paul McGann. Horne, for all his uncanny resemblance to various 1970s male leads from Hammer Horror, just looks stricken. “Next time,” quips Corden – the scariest two words in the movie – “he’ll have me bummed by a big gay werewolf”. Oh joy.